Wednesday, April 23, 2008

The day I came unglued

My life is good. I don't have any awful problems to deal with, my family is relatively healthy, I'm healthy, Hubby has a good job, kids are fairly well adjusted. But this morning I had one of those moments where I just came unglued.

A teacher from the school called to see if I could sub for her, today. She called at 8:00, school starts at 8:15. Hmmm, had I had more notice, it perhaps could have worked out, but with 15 minutes notice on a fairly busy day it just didn't work and I had to say no. Whenever I say no I feel such guilt about it that it makes me ill. Today was no exception, I stressed and I stressed and I stressed. I replayed in my mind how I could maybe do it, fit it in, or fit part of a day in. It just wouldn't work, but I still stressed. Hubby questioned me about what was up, and I just lost it, I cried and sobbed and carried on like a baby. 14 years of a really unpredictable subbing schedule is just getting to me.

I looked at my calendar for the next month, and realized that really there are very few days that I could fit in a day of subbing. Mr 18's senior year schedule combined with Hubby's job keeping him swamped right now, means I'm in peak "mom mode" for a while. I considered calling the school and asking to be taken off the sub list for the last month of school. The calls when I have to say no just get to me. I hadn't made up my mind yet, and moved on with everything else that had to get done today. Inside I said a prayer, "Please God, help me make this decision, help me figure it out."

I sorted the laundry, got a load in the machine, finished a grocery list and was just about to take off out the door when the phone rang.
"Yes Miss 9"
"Could you bring me some Motrin." (said with that certain tone where you just know something else is up.)
"Sure, hon, what's wrong?"
"My head really hurts."
"Yup, I'll be right there."
"And Mom?... my heart is beating too fast."

There it was, that same thing Miss 14 used to tell me. Sometimes Miss 9 says it, usually after a long run in Cross Country or a tough swim, sometimes when she is very nervous, but not usually out of the blue.
I grabbed the Motrin and went to the school, found a quiet room with her and took her pulse rate. It was a little elevated, but not bad, plus she had just come in from recess. (where she swears she wasn't playing, just sitting.) I gave her the Motrin, visited with her for a while, couldn't determine anything else wrong with her, walked her to class and went to do some of the things from my to-do list. Meanwhile I'm now worrying about her heart, and whether she has the same condition as Miss 14.

I got home shortly after noon and warmed lunch (Mmmmm, enchiladas!) and sat down. I hadn't quite finished when the phone rang, again.

"This is _________ the attendance secretary at the high school. I have Miss 14 sitting here with me. She says her heart is really acting up."
"Would she like me to come and pick her up."
"Yes, please, I think she would."

So, off I go on another child adventure. I picked up Miss 14, and she is ok. Her heart is acting up, but we know why. She has been taking Advil for her mouth. She had her braces tightened yesterday and her mouth is sore. Sometimes Advil makes her heart misbehave a bit. I brought her home, gave her some of her heart meds and she is relaxing and lowering her heart rate on the couch.

I finished my lunch, and sat. Remember earlier, when I said that little prayer asking for help making this decision? Do you think I got an answer today, somehow?

I'm pretty tough emotionally and physically. I'm not sure why today is knocking me around so much, although I have some minor theories to it. But overall I sort of feel lost. The sun is shining, the birds are singing and there is a 60% chance of rain tonight. (Please God, let it rain!) I shouldn't feel like it's the deep dark days of January with no sunlight. I'm contemplating the day or week and trying to see how I got here. But I am not finding my answer.

In the meantime, Mom Mode is calling out to me, and I still have a long list/day ahead. I'd better get started. Maybe just the routine of moving ahead will pull me out. I sure hope so.


Ronica said...

Oh how I remember that from my last weeks of pregnancy--it is a horrible feeling of guilt. And irrational, but still awful. Do call the school and let them know. You deserve to be a little less stressed, and your family needs you. And you need you! It's OK, they'll understand.

I hated it when I got those calls. It was not worth the money.

Allen Fieldhouse said...

guilt is an awful feeling...i feel the same way when i tell someone "no" ~ but you can't be everything to everyone. hope your thursday is better than today!