Monday, June 23, 2008

This One's a Downer

Yesterday turned into one of those emotional hell days that can only be served up by people who are supposed to be those that don't serve it up. I know, complicated to understand isn't it? Short form, Hubby and I spent the day in a bottomless pit of frustration, emotional exhaustion and at some points anger. We've been dealing with a situation for a few months now that just is not getting better. A few days ago things came to our attention that could no longer be set on a back burner. Things had to be done and they were. We've been putting it off for so long, knowing the results that would come, and finally could no longer let it sit. The results we expected were exactly what we got: anger, frustration, self pity, denial, blame, attitude and nothing even close to remorse.

Things aren't any better, and I'm not very optimistic, Hubby and I are hopeful, but we don't expect much. We are exhausted, literally and emotionally. It was a late night and with thunderstorms waking Miss 10 and bringing her to our bed in the middle of the night it was an even earlier morning.

I realize this is cryptic, and it has to stay this way for now, and I realize at times it may sound self pitying. That is not my intention at all. I am in need of an outlet for emotions that have no where to go, and this happens to be it.

I have a strong backbone, I take a lot, I put on a stoic, unemotional face and I do what needs to be done. It's only when I am done, and alone, that all my defenses come down. It's then that I sometimes lose control of those emotions. Hubby has seen me lose those defenses only once in the 19 years we have been together. Until last night, and then it happened again. I finally had to excuse myself from the situation. No longer could I keep a stiff upper lip and take the verbal onslaught that was directed at me. Hubby was able to continue calmly, which was necessary, and for that I thank him immensely, but I had to leave. I was calm and rational and said the right things, and then walked away.

At that point, alone, I spent time crying and praying and begging for help from whoever happened to be listening to my thoughts. Hubby found me later, wrapped his arms around me and just sat. I couldn't talk, I could barely breath and even Hubby couldn't help.

It's not often that something emotional can hit so hard that it nearly takes your breath away. I know I won't stay this way, I know each day will feel better and I can distance myself from today, but today it just hurts.


Ronica said...

Wow. That sucks. I'm so sorry. I wish I could be there to make you laugh, make you some brownies or make you a daiquiri? I have no idea what you're dealing with now, but I'm very sorry that it's sucking so much. (((((Pizza))))))

Lo said...

Sending belated hugs your way. Hope this has been resolved in the months that have ensued.