Thursday, March 19, 2009


Typically I would write a Love Thursday post here, but at the moment my head just keeps swimming around with the things I need to get ready in order to leave tomorrow and the thoughts my son has put in my head.

For those of you who haven't heard, and really I don't think there is anyone because I keep whining and whining about it, Mr 19 has decided that he is "very seriously considering" enlisting with the National Guard this spring/summer. Which essentially means that my heart spends part of the time not beating, part of the time beating too fast, part of the time not beating in correct rhythm, and part of the time filled with a small smidgen of pride (that part, however, is very nervous and very small). But mostly I am just afraid. I'm not going to list the whys, what's, how's and who's of what I am afraid of, the list is long and dreary and no one needs to think my thoughts, or stay awake nights thinking my thoughts as I have done so often lately. Instead I will tell you that I have talked, Hubby has talked, we have listed concerns, other ideas, asked why, asked when, asked how this came to be, and still we have no answers. Mr 19 brought this up to us two weeks ago, he is now home on spring break, and has been since Sunday, any attempt we make to discuss it with him isn't looked upon kindly, and the questions we ask are answered curtly. His response typically has been, 'It's just something I want to do." Bearing in mind the side of me that ALWAYS prepares for the worst, in my head I have already realized that this is almost certainly a reality, and I am preparing myself for that end. My emotions are raw and my anger is quick at the moment. I am afraid I will say things I don't want to when anyone questions me about it, and I'm afraid I will break down and cry when anyone questions me about it. For now, I realize there is not a thing Hubby and I can do to make his mind up for him, and I know that he probably already has his mind made up, and he's just too afraid to tell us. I'm afraid for him to tell me too.

On another note I leave for the weekend tomorrow at noon, and also leave said son here in my house for two days. That makes me nervous as well, very, very nervous.

We are leaving for a State USA Swim Meet. Both our girls are swimming which means my rear will be planted on bleacher seats for 2.5 days. I hate bleacher seats, and I especially hate bleacher seats when it is crowded and hot. This will be both. I am excited to watch the girls swim, but not at all excited to sit and sit and sit some more. Bleacher sitting plus the two hour drive each way may be all my back and rear can take. Miss 15 has 1 relay and 7 events, Miss 10 swims 2 relays and 7 events. They'll both be exhausted by Sunday's drive home, as will I, and all I have to do is sit, and sit, and sit, and sit... funny how tiring that can be.

Send fast vibes the way of the girls this weekend. They both have high hopes. And send cush-y vibes my way please.


Ronica said...

Hey, do you want him to talk to Amanda or Chad? If he had any questions, concerns, etc.--it's the horse's mouth, and it's not a recruiter. They are both very realistic, and will tell him the good and the bad. Let me know.

I've been worrying for you. He's stretching those wings, and it sucks, huh?

Lo said...

Sending lots of big hugs your way. I've been thinking about you a lot and I wish I could do more.

Anonymous said...

I have not commented yet, but I have been thinking about you, wishing I knew something to say that could help. I can't imagine what you are going through, but I know what it feels like to worry, to the point of being terrified, about your child. He has a lot of guardian angels, and you do, too. I'm praying that they watch out for you both. All my love, j.